Curmudgeon Self Evaluation

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Curmudgeon Self Evaluation

DISCLAIMER

This evaluation is not intended to diagnose, prevent or cure any disease. If you think you may be crusty, see your health care professional.

PROCEDURE

Follow these easy instructions, and soon your curiosity will be satisfied. BEFORE you begin, prepare a curmudgeon evaluation worksheet. You will need it to calculate your CQ (curmudgeon quotient).
FIRST, read through each question, skipping none! Does the question relate to you? If it does, indicate YES on the worksheet. If not, indicate NO. DO NOT cheat.
SOON, you will have read through the whole quiz. On your worksheet, add together all affirmative responses. Divide this sum by your age (in years). This is your CQ.

EVALUATION

You might be a curmudgeon...

... if you're offended;
... if you knit,
... polka,
... or you've ever (even once) watched golf on TV;
... if after all these years, nothing beats a dinner of creamed corn and Van Camp's Pork and Beans,
... you eat pork and beans only for the protein,
... or you eat alone;
... if you order pizza without toppings (just crust);
... if you take coffee breaks on your coffee break;
... your computer password is TRUSTNO1;
... if you think gardening in relaxing and it takes up most of your day,
... or the handle of your gardening shears matches your gardening bonnet (females only).
... if you wonder why the kids don't come around anymore;
... if you've ever named an animal any of the following:
Garfield,
Greyface,
or Spot;

... if you thought shooting Old Yeller was "only sensible";
... if you've ever watched a full episode of "Let's Make a Deal";
... and you don't think Bob Barker is that old,
... if you know the Seven Secrets of Highly Effective People,
... or you are a highly effective person;
... if small children frequently ask you what that smell is,
... and your answer begins with, When you get to be my age...
... if you've had a receding hairline since you were eleven;
... if people say your heart is three sizes too small,
... but you prefer to call it "economical";
... if the mailbox gets farther and farther away each painful afternoon;

How can I tell if I'm getting addicted to sex or pornography?

... if you once courted someone named Beatrice,
... the special name for your penis is, in fact, Beatrice,
... you're not sexually active, you "just lie there."
... if you were ever awakened to the sight of a hungry startled young man rummaging through the dumpster in which you were sleeping;
... if you remember any of the following:
when fifteen cents paid for movie, candy and a sodie,
dancing The Madison,
The South's surrender at Appomattox courthouse,
or Turkish delight and moonlight in Constantinople;
but not when you were cool;

... if you consider yourself an expert on any of the following:
what's good for others,
the better past,
or irritable bowel syndrome;

Does God feel our pain?

... if you have been told:
Smile!,
What's wrong?,
or Just cheer up,
... and it made things worse;
... or if people know you better and have stopped trying;

... if you have ever uttered any of the following:
For your own good,
You'll thank me later,
Ah, those were the days,
This hurts me more than it hurts you,
I was only following orders,
or Just give me the facts;

... if you've ever referred to someone as a "Whipper-snapper",
e.g.: Those drunk whipper-snappers pissed in my azaleas again!;

... if you cut dates shorts to watch TV;
... if at the Safeway you approach the checkout counter sweating anticipatively of the eternal "paper or plastic" question;
... if your best friends are just people who are too nice to tell you to go away;
... if "got your nose" is your best gag;
... if lying down to go to sleep is the best part of your day;
... if your suicide note begins "to whom it may concern,"
... or you have ruled out suicide altogether because you aren't poetic enough to leave a proper good-bye note;
... or you either wrote or are reading this web page.

You just might be a curmudgeon. Placate us: report your scores.