How To Sing the Blues

anonymous
curmudgeon.freeservers.com

(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line--such as, "I got a good woman / with the meanest dog in town."

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes, sort of like this:

I got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs 'bout 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation includes Greyhound bus and a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle--so does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Only adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.

Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:

a. violet,
b. beige, and
c. mauve.

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall: the lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the blues are

a. the highway,
b. the jailhouse, and
c. the empty bed.

11. Bad places for the blues are

a. Ashrams,
b. gallery openings, and
c. a weekend in the Hamptons.

12. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

13. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

YES, if

a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia,
b. you're blind,
c. you shot a man in Memphis, or
d. you can't be satisfied.

NO, if

a. you were once blind but now can see,
b. you're deaf, or
c. you have a trust fund.

14. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand have the right to sing the blues.

Why was Hell made?

15. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.

Other blues beverages are

a. wine,
b. Irish whiskey, and
c. muddy water.

Blues beverages are not

a. any mixed drink,
b. any wine kosher for Passover, and
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors).

16. If it happens in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

17. Acceptable blues names include

(for women)

a. Sadie,
b. Big Mama, and
c. Bessie.

(for men)

a. Joe,
b. Willie,
c. Big Willie,
d. Little Willie, and
e. Lightning.

17A. Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17B. Other acceptable blues names include

a. the name of physical infirmity (eg: Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic);
b. the name of a fruit (eg: Lemon, Lime, Kiwi); and
c. the last name of a U.S. President (eg: Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore).

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